On World Mental Health Day, how I was saved by a horse

Alanna Jane

World Mental Health Day is, in theory, a great opportunity to shine a light on the many barriers and discrimination people with mental illness suffer from. Talking publicly about mental health is clearly very important but frightening.

My anxiety and complex PTSD are a direct result of horrific bullying. Something so traumatic and terrifying that it almost killed me.

The first panic attack, aged 14, years left me feeling sick. My heart started pounding and I became dizzy. I couldn't breathe properly and experienced an overwhelming sense of fear - but of what, I didn't know.

School life was hell. Name calling - it hurt. Head flushed down the toilet - humiliating. Teeth knocked out - embarrassing. Skull fractured - I wanted to die.

Relentless. Every. Single. Day.

The most hurtful part was going through four years of school without friends or support.

Our parents were at their wits end, pain etched firmly on their faces, searching for answers.

A neighbour invited us to their riding stables and as a weekend surprise we drove to Thorness Bay, Isle of Wight. From the  moment I entered the yard I stood transfixed, transported from a place of hate and fear, to world without worry.

Dusty, with his large pink nose, munched away on his hay completely ignoring me. As I watched he wandered over to me, intuitively knowing what I needed, head resting against mine.

Over the weeks we built a relationship. He never judged me or expected anything in return. The bullies continued unabated, their words turning to physical violence. With Dusty I could pour out my deepest worries and fears without the feelings of guilt in burdening my family. He enabled me to 'exist' in a cruel world, wearing a brave face to those closest to me.

Through the darkest of days we shared great happiness and sorrow, him helping me to see the simple joys in life.

After a particularly bad beating it was Dusty who finally helped to put me back together like a broken jigsaw. I have been greatly strengthened by my profoundly insightful equine teacher, supporting me in my times of need.

Over the years horses have been a constant in my life, from the race courses throughout the UK, to my own local yard. They have a calming, soothing effect on my stumbling efforts just to fit in. The dark shadow of self doubt lurking around every corner.

So why speak out now?

Maybe, naively, I hope that the bullies will see the consequences of their actions and just maybe it will stop it happening to one other person. Maybe I want to take back some control.

'Sticks and stones can break my bones so the old rhymes goes but names can never hurt me.' That may have been true in the innocent times before the trolls crawled out of the internet sewers where they lurk and from where they spew their filth. We do know that words do wound, even fatally.

I also want to praise the kindness, wisdom and hope that these beautifully powerful horses are able to share with us in abundance.

I managed to survive those brutal years of abuse and pain and knew that there was more to life.

It was this realisation that made me determined to fight the stigma surrounding mental health.

Now, it’s time to discuss the elephant in the room. It’s time to talk.

I hope that by speaking out, it will encourage others to do the same.

Anxiety does not make me weak or define who I am, but motivates me to live life to the full, with my four - legged friends beside me.

If you see me at a racing event near you, please stop and say 'hi'.

Published 10 October 2024

http://www.mind.org.uk